7 Things I Learned While Dating As An INTJ

Socializing and dating are tiring for everyone, but for us, they are twice as tiring.

Flickr/Wyatt Fisher

For an INTJ like me, dating is challenging. Socializing and dating are tiring for everyone, but for us, they are twice as tiring. We are introverts and we can be arrogant at times. Plus, we always look for long-term partners, not just occasional flings. INTJs are rare and most people don’t understand how we function, which puts yet another string on our dating game.

Even after we find that special person, we might struggle to keep the relationship alive. Most INTJs are reluctant to dive into romance and go with the flow, making us a handful for our partners.

Dating is a struggle for INTJs, but playing the love game teaches you a lot. Here is what I learned while dating.

Show Your Emotions

INTJs often seem cold, but inside there is a volcano of emotions. We don’t speak much, especially about our feelings. But it doesn’t mean we don’t have any. It is hard for an introvert to love someone but when it happens, we do fall in love even though we don’t declare it publicly. Yes, actions speak louder than words but from time to time, you do need to tell your partner how you feel about them.

Related: 10 Struggles Only INTJs Understand

Don’t Be Afraid To Show Your Love

In my first relationship, I was too afraid to show my love. I often visualized myself kissing my partner or bringing him breakfast in bed, but I was too afraid to actually do these things. If he was the one who initiated these small tokens of love, I was very responsive, but never took the initiative.

Learn to show your love, learn to be the one who takes the initiative. When I eventually did this, I saw how much it mattered to my partner and how it strengthened our relationship.

Stop Planning

INTJs are used to planning everything and organize every step of their life. But love doesn’t work that way obviously. In the game of love, you have to let go and try to be spontaneous. Each time I tried to plan a date or a relationship, it failed. Strategy and love don’t mix. You have to act on emotions and forget about making plans.

Another thing I learned while dating is if you’re searching for that perfect partner, it is guaranteed to make you alone forever. My perfect partner had dark hair, black eyes and lots of courage. I ended up dating someone who is nothing like this pre-defined image I had in my mind. In fact, he is pretty much the opposite, apart from having dark colored eyes he is still my perfect man, the one I want to spend my entire life with. To summarize it, ditch the strategy and planning and just dive into the world of dating.

Resist The Urge To Conduct “Interviews”

INTJs love having a smart partner, someone who can share their passion for learning. However, this doesn’t mean that you have to conduct an interview on the first date. I can’t even tell you how many boys I’ve managed to scare away while doing this. I couldn’t help myself! I was always asking the big questions like “Do you think Americans really landed on the Moon?”, which seemed bizarre for the boy and out of place.

Another problem with us INTJs is that once we label someone as “not suitable”, that’s it – game over! We don’t give them another chance.

Instead of killing the potential relationship before it even got the chance to start, resist the urge to evaluate your date’s intellectual potential right away. Just be yourself and do small talk – it will also help you find out more about your date’s personality.

Give People A Second Chance

We are very judging when it comes to people we meet, so if we label them as something bad, we don’t give them a second chance. I have lost a lot in my life because of this bad habit. Yes, people with the INTJ personality have an amazing intuition, but sometimes you just have to give people a second chance.

Stop overthinking about the date and give them a second chance to conquer your heart. Being open is going to bring you lots of joy in the dating game and can eventually land you near your perfect partner! Or at least towards the right direction.

Give Them A Break

INTJs love to be the smarter ones and can easily step over other people’s feelings in their quest to be right. Well, this is one sure way to destroy romance. Even if you are the smarter one, give your partner a break from time to time. Choose your battles wisely, so you can win the war.

Apart from my tendency to consider myself better than others, I also have a passion for criticism, like all INTJs. A little constructive criticism isn’t harmful, but make sure you don’t go overboard with it. I am often so sarcastic and it almost killed my first relationship. No one likes to have their faults pointed out at every step, try to be more emphatic and resist the need to criticize.

Give Up On Pragmatism

We love to be sensible and we love to have sensible cars, sensible clothes and so on. But romance is different. Romance is fun and you have to give up your sensible pajamas set to wear an uncomfortable sexy lingerie set if you want to make your relationship work. It doesn’t have to be daily, but you know… A relationship requires maintenance – which is a  concept all INTJs understand – and this is part of that maintenance. Being practical is not romantic, to say the least.

Talking of which, we love practical gifts which become a challenge for our partners. This is OK most of the time, be happy about it when you receive a rose from your partner even if you have to force a smile!

Having a relationship with an INTJ personality type person is a challenge for both partners. The introverted, arrogant and highly organized yet creative INTJ will find it hard to fall in love but when we do, we are very loyal. Inside our cold exterior, there is a big volcano waiting to be discovered.

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